I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
