Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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