I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
