shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your penis caused this!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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