a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
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