Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
