Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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