i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize