just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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