Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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