i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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