come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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