Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
