already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
