Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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