I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
