Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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