the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
