He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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