She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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