My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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