my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
