"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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