Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
