about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
