hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
