i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
