Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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