so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
