i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
