FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
