I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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