I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
