Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
