hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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