Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
