but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
