Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize