the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
