It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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