her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
