Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
