i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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