Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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