I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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