Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
