you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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