Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
