i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
