I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
