Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
