I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
