Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
