You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize