I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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