I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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