if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
nutella sex= disaster
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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